Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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