I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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