my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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