tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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