The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
