her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
