My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
