Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
