now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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