Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
