I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
