mondays should just be called national damage control day
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
