If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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