you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
