Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
