Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
