hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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