omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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