My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
