and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
