this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
