Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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