I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
