You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
