is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
