I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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