im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
