if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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