Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
