I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
