my mouth tastes like poor choices
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
