You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
