He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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