It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
