Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
