Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
