I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
