Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
