I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
