i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
