Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
