the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
