Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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