Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
