happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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