hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
