Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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