eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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