She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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