I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
