So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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