Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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