You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Operation Purity has been aborted
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
