Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
